Earlier this month, the drag and performance community of SF was shocked to hear of the sudden passing of Matthew Simmons, otherwise known as Peggy L’Eggs.

It’s taken me weeks to think of anything I could say publicly in response to this news; as the countless Facebook posts scrolled by–all of the photos and memories and eulogies–it felt impossible for me to think of anything I could say or add that wasn’t redundant or trite. Now, on the eve of his/her (online) memorial, I have realized something important that Peggy taught me, which I would like to share.

Shortly after moving to San Francisco in the summer of 2002, I had already been getting frequent gigs as a gogo dancer: mostly at The Stud Bar, where I had also begun to discover the fiercely beating heart of The City’s punk-aesthetic/performance-art skewed drag scene, as epitomized by the legendary Trannyshack. It was within this framework that I soon began dancing for the all-drag-queen rock band Pepperspray, in which Peggy played keyboard and sang.

As a barely-25-year-old who was still in many ways very naive, wide-eyed, and inexperienced, what first struck me about Peggy was their firm grounding in the sort of spirituality that speaks to me; I would say that s/he recognized me as a kindred spirit in that regard, and feeling seen in such a way meant a lot to me as someone who moved here to find as many kindred spirits (in as many different ways) as I could. What I was stricken by today as I was reflecting, however, was a simple sort of grace which Matthew/Peggy modeled to me…something which I now realize has made an indelible impact on my life.

As someone who was often severely bullied from my childhood and teenage years well into early adulthood, it took me a very long time to learn to feel any degree of deep trust with most people. Within months of moving from my childhood home in Alabama to Atlanta, Georgia (my home before SF), I had quickly been taught of the concept of “shade” as it relates to gay culture; being cut down, teased, or otherwise poked fun of was shown as a standard component of social interactions between gays, and I had to learn fast how to keep up and snap back when I was the recipient of shade–this was, for me, a major rite of passage into my adult queer identity.

There are few places in which the concept of shade is more finely honed or commonly practiced than in drag culture; in our modern age or RuPaul reality competitions, it’s launched countless catchphrases into common parlance. And as I began to become more firmly ensconced in drag culture, some Darwinian part of me was constantly observing the pecking order created by the dynamics of shade. Specifically, I noticed that, in most pockets of drag culture, there are certain people for whom being the butt of the joke somehow becomes an innate part of their role within said culture.

Perhaps because of my own history of being bullied, I recognized Peggy L’Eggs as one of these “shade scapegoats” rather quickly; however, what struck me was her seemingly endless capacity to accept the brunt of what may seem to the casual observer as mockery, yet s/he never appeared to personalize this or take any offense. In fact, I’d swear I saw some sort of deep compassion and amusement–perhaps even a pleasure–twinkling in those huge, expressive eyes of hers when shade was thrown her way.

It’s like…she didn’t mind being the butt of any joke, because she was always IN ON the joke.

I now realize that witnessing this practice of grace from Peggy has made so much difference in my life. I have always felt seen and appreciated by my drag/stage family here in San Francisco…and I have always felt like I’m in on the joke. That has made it easier for me to extend trust and love to all people more readily.

To put it in the very wise words of a long-time Radical Faerie friend of mine, Storm Arcana (who said this to me sometime in the late 1990s): Even when it’s disguised as Shade, it’s still Love.

No one I have ever met exemplified that better than Peggy L’Eggs.

Thank you, “Peggs.” I will truly miss the light you always carried inside you, no matter how fierce the shade.