Lying alone in the dark
I floated on my back in an ocean of bile, staring up at the stars for one entire lunar cycle, trying to read an answer but finding none.
This….break
A fracture
A severing of the ultimate tie which I foolishly believed to be binding
Only to find myself bound instead
to a bottomless chasm
Whose name is Rage.
Through the Void of righteous anger
I tumbled and fell
For immeasurable moments
Like the severed highway
Between earthly existence and Godhead
Grasping for an eternal forever
For the sweet perfume of Binah–
The holy Goddess cavern from which
we all emerged, a primordial ooze
Yearning for greater form and purpose
A thousand needles pricked my tender flesh
Not heeding the messages flooding my chest
With liquid love.
A Fool’s parade of cards
Were lain before me in endless permutations
Explaining nothing
But what was already there in front of me:
Somewhere.
Locked inside,
For so long.
An animal instinct.
Emotion so raw that it could
Rend flesh from bone–
Yet the only rational response
To a world that wounded; hurt
In so many unfair and unfathomable ways
Until I was forced to cage this beast
Making my first pact with The Devil
Of modern existence:
To put on the false face
Of society’s manufacturing,
That of
EVERYTHING IS FINE
I’M DOING WELL, THANK YOU
HOW MAY I HELP YOU?
A consumer capitalist lie
Manufactured only in the name
Of another man’s profit.
And yet,
After uncountable numbers of lit matches
Being thrown down into this dark well,
At long last this Leo,
A crouching tiger
My hidden dragon
Struck like Saint Michael
Into the Heart of The Beast,
Lit the fuse
And opened the cage
Of a creature who long has lain in wait–
With a creak of rusted hinges
And sulphuric smile,
The mad animal whispered a single word:
“Finally.”
And thus was an unmitigated Fury unleashed.
A chorus of screams, wails, and shouts
Broke open like the Seventh Seal
And poured forth from my lips
To anyone who would listen
And to many who could not.
The hydrogen bomb set loose from my spleen
Created a blast radius of countless hearts.
Thus was loneliness my sole companion
Being struck blind by a wrathful
Old Testament god
Yaldabaoth
Also-blind
I have wandered in your desert
Crying out to the Heavens
WHAT HAVE I DONE
WHY HATH THOU FORSAKEN ME
Never realizing through a fog of
Full Moon madness (so many clouds)
That it was I who had
Forsaken myself.

Krishnamurti may have said
“It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society”
Yet also is it not true that
“If you’re not ANGRY
You’re not paying attention?”
Thus it is that I must own
My Queen of Swords–
My cruel discernment
My blade of cold reason
Recognize that surgeon’s razor
As my tool
Capable of wounding, yes
But also of letting the toxic blood
Draining the sins of our Fathers
And pouring sweet surrender into me.
Here where uncollared choler and sanguine meet
My humor is hereby restored;
I bleed myself into these senseless syllables
Once more pouring forth
An endless cavalcade of words,
My belief infusing them with a meaning:

May all those hurt and heavy-laden
Know that I, too, have suffered greatly
And may you see

After the curses of February are lifted
The light of your own sacred

Shadow.